PTSD and Me

PTSD can be caused by traffic accidents, assaults, sexual abuse, neglect, house fires, physical assaults, bullying, a traumatic births or anything where a person feels their life is in jeopardy. This is my journey with PTSD.

The Journey

I shared with this group that I am diagnosed with PTSD. This diagnosis occurred around seven years ago. I always remembered the physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect I experienced from birth to age 17. The sexual abuse was something I knew happened before puberty but was locked away deep in my subconscious. I never felt comfortable around my father. I was always nervous and scared. When he stayed at my home, I could not sleep or relax.

Growing up I heard rumours of an incident that involved my mother’s youngest sister and my father. No one ever talked to me about it. It was whispered I would hear the other adults discuss when they thought I was not listening. We were asked at different ages if anything had happened to us. Family and Children Services were called once by a brave soul. The problem was we were terrified and knew if we talked things for us could get bad fast.

Memory Trigger

A few years later I was at a work conference in Toronto. I met up with my sister one evening and over dinner, we had a conversation. She asked me if I remembered waking up with no underwear on. I remembered this but pushed it out of my head. I told myself my underwear was too big and must have fallen off in my sleep. She confirmed my worst fears. Things had happened to us and I had not imagined it all. That evening I thought more about it and the memories came flooding back.

Seeking Help

These memories tore me apart. I was having a hard time concentrating. Anxiety and anger overtook me. I found a counsellor and started to work through my feelings about my father and what I had experienced growing up. She said I had PTSD and she recommended I try something called EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Processing is a process where traumatic events are recalled while the therapist has you following her finger with your eyes. At this time I felt I could still sustain a relationship with my father but with boundaries. I did a year of therapy and felt in a better space.

Fast Forward Another Two Years

I was at a family gathering for my mom’s side. My father invited himself. He was not welcome and he made things between my mother’s family and me awkward. He was drinking heavily and making an ass of himself by inviting his own guests. This brought anger in me that I have not felt before. I wanted to reconnect with my mother’s family. I was missing her. He was putting himself before the needs or wants of all others involved. He tortured our mother, abused our family, abused my aunts and everyone was afraid of him. So afraid that no one asked him to leave. I no longer am afraid.

Taking Back My Power

It was at this moment that I decided I wanted to sever the relationship. I stopped answering his calls. He continued to call me over and over and leaving messages. I am no longer dealing with his manipulation. This fueled an anger inside me that opened up more painful memories. I then decided that it was time to stand up for my rights. His job was to keep me safe. My siblings and I grew up believing we were not worthy of love, respect or safety. I went back to my counsellor and after a couple sessions I decided that the only way for me to heal is to make him finally responsible for all the lives he had ruined.

The Bravest Thing I Had Ever Done

I made an appointment to go to the local police station and file a report. This is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. They video taped me recalling the abuse. I was forced to relive the things my sub conscious had worked so hard to bury. Afterwards I put a call out to both of my aunts he abused and told them what I had done. Following my bravery they also filed a report. No longer was he going to use his size, anger, and power to avoid the consequences he deserved. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault. I believe there was four counts but I can’t be sure and I have no desire to read the court document again. It is at the back of a drawer.

No Justice

Just as we were waiting for a court date, the Covid pandemic happens. This stalled all things including the criminal justice system. My father continued to drink heavier and heavier and his body could not take it anymore. With a feeding tube, he continued to consume alcohol and the monster died before he had to go to court. The police detective in charge of the case called me. He said that the case was closing. He apologized and said it is not the justice he was hoping for. His empathy and compassion meant so much to me that day.

Present Day

I am still in therapy and experiencing the symptoms of PTSD because processing the trauma takes time. I have a great therapist who is kind and compassionate and working at the pace I need to heal. My ACEs score and PTSD are a factor in my developing several chronic diseases. I am still on this journey with PTSD but I am experiencing more peace with my past.

If you or someone you know is experiencing PTSD please talk to your doctor for help. Finding a qualified therapist is an important part of healing.