I AM A People Pleaser

Yesterday in therapy I finally made the connection as to what has made me into a people pleaser. I know that trauma and my dysfunctional family is the why but what was it specifically?

Growing up I had responsibilities way beyond my age. At age 5, I went to the store to buy cigarettes and pop. My mom would give me a note. If I got the wrong item, or dropped and broke the pop or lost the note or money, it was my fault. I cannot make mistakes or have accidents.

Accidents or mistakes lead to anger and being told I was stupid. To avoid the anger, of my parents I felt the need to be perfect.

The Beginning of the People Pleaser

By the time I was five, l knew that if I did as I am told with a smile and no complaints, then there will be no consequence. Saying, “no”, was never an option. You simply followed along. Noone asked for your opinion or how it made you feel.

I can remember when I was around 12, I had been to a work summer party. My mother’s employer at the time would have a summer BBQ in a park. When it was time to clean up, I offered to help. I was always very helpful. I attempted to lift a wet case of empty beer bottles. Then beer bottles smashed open on the top of my foot. Looking down I could see the inside of my foot. I went to the hospital and needed nine stitches to close the wound.

My father is angry. How could my mother and I be so stupid. I was still in pain and in shock by not allowed to show it or express it. A week later I could not walk on it. My foot was hot and red and very painful. I had to get myself to my family doctor to have the wound opened so the infection can clear. I went to the pharmacy and go my antibiotics and I made sure to take them. There was no offering of ice or pain medication from either of my parents.

There was no care, no validation, I was clearly to blame.

People Pleasers Are Made

Many people pleasers are from dysfunctional homes. Feelings are not validated. The caregivers are emotionally unavailable. Children have low self-esteem because they are unable to say no, and they are not allowed to voice their opinion. There is trauma, maybe even domestic violence. They learn that the only way to feel safe and avoid punishment is to do exactly what you are told. Your feelings, needs and opinions do not matter. Inconsistent parenting and not getting ones needs met, results in a person who is anxious, fears rejection, seeks validation and wants to be loved and liked.

For me the fear of rejection, consequences and harsh words caused a great deal of anxiety. To avoid these things, I did what I was told, said nothing, and smiled. I became robotic.

As an adult. I know that I have opinions, and feelings and thoughts. Being assertive is okay. Still, I do not say much until I can figure out a person. I have learned to watch people and listen to understand what their expectations are. I rarely say no especially at work. If I feel like I have not been doing well, being judged, not liked, or not living up to expectations, I can feel very overwhelmed. This causes me to blame myself. I think what is wrong with me. What have I done. I get super emotional and feel devastated. I overly apologize.

How I Am Beginning to Heal

Through therapy I am recognizing things about myself. I have learned that I no longer need to carry these burdens. It is okay for me to say, “no”. I can set boundaries, even if that means distancing myself from people who are not healthy for me.

I am working on being who I am. Looking at all I accomplished. Telling myself that I am smart. Reminding myself that not everyone is going to like me. Even though this can trigger feelings of rejection. I can stop, notice the feeling and let it go. It’s hard work. I feel like this has been hard wired into my very being but I am working on it.